03 - Gabriella Racz

25 minutes reading

I am sitting here with my laptop wondering how to introduce her. What to write in this first paragraph. A whirlpool of memories are spinning in my head. I have known her since childhood, from my hometown Debrecen. We would draw horses together. We would spend study hall hours in the schoolyard leapfrogging and playing volleyball. We would continuously be in action: run, play Chinese jump rope, do anything, really, requiring movement. I always looked up to her. She was smart, excelled in Math – it was easy for her, we could say, her dad was a mathematician. But then my dad was a physicist, yet my grades at Physics or Math were not as good. Today I know that the difference was that neither one interested me. She loved Math though. She invested a lot into practicing. A lot of time into a lot of practicing. Her sculpted face, which face, let me tell you, has not changed a bit apart from a few lines of wisdom appearing now; bright, greyish-green eyes, perfect teeth, athletic, tall figure and her royal but never superior posture and manners gave her this special aura that made her stand out – to me for certain. I always felt she was different.  As a child I thought success was measured by importance and I was not sure where I might see her looking back at me from: the TV, a podium as a politician, the stage with a medal around her neck as an athlete, or the leader of an enterprise; I just knew this girl would be successful.

What neither one of us was aware of as schoolgirls was her desire for freedom that would break through everything in the life her parents had imagined for her. The unshakable desire for something different started emerging when the river of her thinking left behind its good old and expected bed and started a life of its own. When she started to see through learned reality and recognized real truth, which, again and again, brought her into situations unimaginable. Through which, however, she had the chance to find out who she really was. That was when her real life, her authentic, free life in maximum balance with her identity, truly began.

The March Attagirl! is Gabriella Racz, everyday hero, an absolutely self-made, complete woman; a lover of horses and free life. An elementary school classmate of mine, one of my most valuable, most genuine friends and the the only lifelong one. She heroically endured our three three-hour Viber-discussions after her never-ending, springtime horse-farmer days, which is summed up here for you now.

Created with love – read with delight.

Well, hello, Gabi. How are you doing?
Fine, thanks. We are cooking.

You are doing what? [I am in disbelief. Gabi Racz does not cook. Gabi Racz unwraps and heats up.]
We are cooking! We are making mackerels. [And she laughs while uttering the words. With the typical heartfelt, loud Gabi-laugh. In the same instant Viber chimes and there is the pic of the fish in the making. A beautiful pair of mackerels with lemon and compound butter. She is asking for a little more time so that they can finish and eat.]

Are you done?
Yeah, here I am.

Was it good?
It was.

You ready?
Ready, let’s kick it.

Alright. First of all, tell me what provided this schoolgirl in first – eighth B with the background for success, with perfect performances in studying, sports – and basically anything you decided to have a go at.
Well I was an only child, so my parents’ attention was not divided, they had time for me, and I had time for myself. My dad is a mathematician, and he spent a lot of time with me. From him, I derived the kind of logical thinking that has been an integral and organic part of my life to this very day. We had endless discussions, played a lot of cards, did math together, and the need for understanding problems and happenings in the world just got cemented into me. And from my mom, besides a great love of animals, I inherited the kind of extremely practical way of thinking that she applied when approaching any issue. The way she always solved problems standing on the ground with both feet.

My performance was also due to the strictness they raised me with, a 4 was not acceptable. [The best grade is 5, the worst one is 1 in the Hungarian school system.] From their acceptance of nothing less than the best comes the kind of maximalism that raises the bar for me no matter what I do. At the same time, though, some kind of inhibition started to develop in me, too, which kept me “in my place” securely, not letting me grow wings and fly. It resulted in extreme self-control and led me to question my abilities in new situations.

Well, Gabi, I never thought that you weren’t confident. I never sensed any over-confidence about you either, but it not once occurred that you had such inner conflict.
To tell the truth, I did not know it consciously either. I just accepted my parents’ directions without hesitation. If I had to be an eminent student, so be it. If coming up with ideas was said not to be my strong suit, then I did not force coming up with them. I was bringing the expected results, I was a good kid, I did not argue, and I was fully convinced my parents had my best interest in mind with all they said and did.

I went to the high school they chose for me and I made my decision about studying economics at the university because I fully agreed that I needed a career that was based on logic over studying a couple subjects in the BA/MS system. I just had no doubt they were right. In elementary school I was still confident and calm. But then, as a result of external input and parental rigor, self-doubting became a thing. In high school I was already feeling that something was off. Studying did not interest me as much and my grades got worse. I remember, not so long ago I came across a little note sent to my parents by my high school math teacher. It said something like she could be much more confident with her capability. I was shocked when reading it as an adult. My teacher had noticed even back then what I figured out only later as a result of contradicting experiences.

How did things shape up for you after high school?
I stayed in Debrecen and went to the university to study economics. Those were the best days of my life. I enjoyed being a student in Debrecen. I loved school, I loved my study team. That was when I met my first love with whom I spent seven years together. He was the one I moved to Budapest with later. I started to work during university, at Citibank in Debrecen, then, in Budapest, at Warner Lambert, Budapest Bank, Stollwerck and MOL. Long years full of mixed experiences that gave me a lot to think about and which played an essential role in my decision against a traditional, big firm environment. I felt I did not fit in. I had a different scheme of thinking, I spoke a different language.

Tell me more about this.
I grew up thinking my parents’ statements were categorical, and I took over that mentality myself. That was how I approached everything. Then, the more I saw of the world, the more I realized that my parents’ opinion was not the only proper one; that one problem could have multiple solutions. I caught myself on more and more occasions being taken by surprise by people’s feedback on issues that could have been solved in a multitude of ways, when previously I only saw one. And those occasions just added to feeling that I was less and less, and my childhood confidence completely evaporated. I started to position myself below others. I questioned my every value I had considered stable, and I figured I was not enough. Even if my results were excellent, I did not feel the kind of trust from my superiors that I was anticipating. I felt that my coworkers with much worse performance were succeeding more. This feeling haunted my life for a very long time, creeping up at each single workplace of mine and without going into the details, it is safe to say that apart from a few companies I worked for which shut down, my workplaces terminated my employment.

I guess this had an impact on your relationships, too.
It did indeed! My first, long relationship was stable and safe, I felt like I was in a love membrane. But our paths stopped crossing one another’s and time brought it to an end. We said our goodbyes in peace, there was no door slamming or arguments, we both knew there was nothing left for a relationship. And with that a series of relationship failures began. Most of my relationships either did not even start because by the time I said yes, the potential partner stepped back, or even if it started, there was no connection established on which anything serious could have been built. I did not understand what was derailing my connections and after a time I did not believe I was loveable. I created situations in which I anticipated hearing and seeing my partner’s validation as proof that he loved me. The constant churn of my own thoughts sometimes made even me go crazy. Of course, all this only led to the overwhelming feeling: I could not be loved. I was not good enough. I was not enough.

There was one relationship, however, which made me realize what I had been doing wrong all those years. It made me understand that a connection between a man and a woman needed to rest on a completely different base than what I’d had in mind. That the way the kind of distrust I faced with my superiors at my workplaces was not working there, and it wouldn’t work in my relationships either. Looking back, I am grateful for the teachings of every man I’ve had in my life, I have learned a lot about myself, my role in a relationship and today I approach my emotional life consciously. I am happy. I am really complete and happy in my current relationship of almost three years.

It is clear that the road to where you are today was not an easy one. From how you appear now, I wouldn’t have suspected this tough journey though. What gave you comfort, support, what made you hold on all this time?
There have been a few constants in my life that were present in the good and the bad. One of those is horses. I am not sure where loving horses this much came from, I am not sure why I had a fascination with horses instead of dogs or cats like the majority of children. The family anecdote is about me asking to ride a horse for Children’s Day when I was just three years old. The anecdote doesn’t really say if I actually got to ride one, though it is safe to say that ever since I can remember, horses have been an organic part of my life.

My mom’s parents lived in Merk, a village 80 kms away from Debrecen, where I spent my summers. These summers kept me going from September to June. While I was only drawing horses during school season, in the summer I went to visit them in the meadow every single day. I hopped on my bike in secret and rode to where the horses of the local co-op grazed, spending hours watching them. They let me get closer and closer day by day, they trusted me. Also, I went riding three times a week with my cousin, where I learned the basics and I loved it so much. These summers in Merk were essential for me. Village life, its pulse, its dynamics became my element and as a child I knew I wanted to lead a village life with horses when I grew up.

When I was ten, my mom took me to Pallag, in the outskirts of Debrecen, to a serious equestrian place. I remember it was an Isabella [pale Palomino] color horse they gave me to test my abilities and the verdict came: the kid is good, she can join. That was when my mom got anxious. She questioned how I would get to Pallag for the courses as I could not take the bus there alone. And these were serious, large horses, I might break myself to pieces. Equestrian sports are dangerous, and I was too small she reckoned. So, she decided to enroll me in volleyball instead.

Oh, I remember your volleyball career. Now I know how it came to your life.
Well, that’s how. Volleyball was my second big love during childhood. I played well, I had a great team with a great coach. A new life started for me, with new possibilities. We travelled to compete, we performed well, I spent my summers with the girls by the public pool. Riding horses was put on the backburner till I turned fourteen, when it completely disappeared. I continued playing volleyball in high school and university, I was on the NC2 Biogal team as well as the university’s team. My fourteen-year volleyball era ended when I moved to Budapest. I could have signed on to a new team there, but I had no desire to get used to a new one, get to know new girls, or adapt to new dynamics – so I let volleyball go. I still needed activity badly, so temporarily I ended up doing aerobics by Western Railway Station – only to end up with horses again.

How many years did you miss out on riding?
If my calculation is correct, twelve. Now, I met this old bank coworker one day who accidentally mentioned a possibility to ride. I took my chance and after a few sessions I consciously decided to restart from the basics. I looked for one-on-one courses. I tested multiple places and multiple trainers, spending time at multiple equestrian centers. But no matter where I was, I could not see their vision. The structure of the training was unclear. Instead of systematic construction the sessions seemed random. I did not feel any improvement and was missing the system from the training. Again, my logical brain was demanding understanding. By then, when I was 30, I had purchased Baro [Baron], my first horse. A young, raw one, while I by no means considered myself an advanced rider – not a good combo. But I had the chance to work with him and we were in such harmony that I realized he was the one that I needed.

Years passed and I felt the need to obtain a riding trainer certification at HUSS [Hungarian University of Sports Science]. I had this deep desire to know more about horses, riders and the ideal harmony between them. From then on things sped up. I had ridden in English style all my life and now I was introduced to the Western riding style in the course of my studies. That was a completely new experience I had never had before. For example, I sat on my first Western-trained horse which started backing up and I had no clue what I had done to make him do so. I admired the freedom Western-style horses had with the long reins, and so many more small things that were new to me. I craved learning and all I felt was that something good and exciting had just started.

Baro was my partner in crime, together we created a riding style where horse and rider worked together in gentle, light harmony without stress and forced postures, a kind of mix of Western and English styles. We worked together 1,5-2 hours a day, six days out of seven, crystallizing the method in each single gait. My trainer career started thanks to an accident again, when the manager of the riding center I was at with Baro asked me to jump in as a trainer as they had none available when a rider arrived. Well, that very rider stuck with me and was followed by others with whom I could test and further massage my method. In the meantime, I got my second horse, Cobalt. All of a sudden, I was a full-time trainer with ten riders who fully provided me with the same income I had gotten from office work – without the numerous paralyzing emotions, toxic environment, and destructive competition.

Today when I do training, it is fully for the passion of it. It is my personal mission for my riders to learn to sit and feel the horse stably, and to be able to move together with them with pleasure. Sixty minutes of breathing and pulsing together with nature is what I give my trainees.

It is so good to hear all this. To listen to your enthusiasm, it is such a pleasure, really. In the years when you had no classical office job, how were you getting on?
In all honesty I was an opportunist, a freelancer grabbing every chance that bumped into me. I always had a deep interest in financial solutions, so I dipped my toes into this and that to make ends meet. Natural healing was another interest of mine, and I gave myself a chance in real estate, too. I liked it but after a time it stopped engaging me. I had an ocean of time, so I researched, read, learned a lot, consumed a lot of self-help. Most of the time I had a financial safety-net, there was only a brief period when a small panic took over me when things temporarily seemed off track. I had studied astrology by then, again I was trying to find some logic-based help and I ended up there. I used it mostly for my own purposes, to understand my life’s events, with success, more or less. I am not lying, that was the time that made me anxious about my finances, I literally was praying to the higher powers for not having to sell my horses. I was listening to many Abraham Hicks recordings and there were thoughts there that deeply stuck with me and helped me through the hardest times. One of them was “If something is not a hell yes, then it is a no.” Or not to do anything until we are aligned with our source. And I believed that there was always tomorrow. And there was. Things started to make sense; solutions came. In the form of an inheritance, luck stroke too. The sun started shining over my head.

A lot of self-help, research in the name of the desire to understand, two horses, a bit of luck – what came next?
That is where my fairy tale begins, with another “accident”. A spontaneous weekend excursion to Lake Bank, waiting for my pancakes at the local buffet, brought me to meet my partner. For almost three years now we have lived in perfect harmony, belying my complete relationship history. He lived in such a mesmerizing area in a small village in Nograd [a county in Hungary] that I decided to utilize my inheritance to buy a little farm right there, where we live together today, with his fox terrier and cats and the horses.

We have been renovating the small house on the farm which is my personal passion and pride. The farm came with established horse stalls, which I have exciting plans for, too. The really shocking part to me is that I now garden and cook. Yes, the Gabi that found making an omelet a hardcore challenge now cooks, almost every day! I still thrive in research mode; I learn a lot about plants and ideal planting circumstances online. My partner, Peti, and I religiously watch Chef of Chefs every night, this is our evening program, we started to revisit from part one. From this, and many other inspirations, come the ideas for our culinary experiments in our own kitchen. We make all kinds of meals together, it is real quality time for us and we strive to use healthy, natural ingredients, the majority of which come from our own garden. Fellow villagers here are very nice and cooperative, they provide us with eggs, meat and bread in exchange for stuff that we can provide them with.

This is my dream life. When I think back to the painful, hopeless days of my pathfinding process of my earlier life, I am happy to realize that I have arrived home. I have the relationship I always wanted, the horses of my childhood dreams and the village life I daydreamed about in my apartment on Kiraly Street not so long ago. It is unbelievable, but I know it is true. It makes me happy to be able to do what I like, and the freedom derived from it. To exist like this.

How would you summarize what you have learned on this colorful journey of yours? What are your thoughts for those who are struggling on their own hamster wheels, like you were, while feeling deep inside that they are not where they want to be?
I definitely encourage them to stop that hamster wheel. Don’t struggle when you are faced with an obstacle. A stop sign is not there to hinder, it is there to help. Do not be angry with it, be happy about it. Fighting the wrong target only wastes energy. Do not force finding a solution if it is not in view right away. Wait a little and it will come when you are not expecting it. Decisions that are made in anxiety or anger, in an unbalanced state, will not be the right ones, they will only make things worse. So, calm down and give yourself time. As Hicks would say, “pet your cat.” Which means, distract yourself from your actual problem and let your head clear. The rest will come. You will recognize the arrival of an inspiring thought and when that happens, go for it without fear even if it appears to be irrational and foolish. So just grab that cat and keep petting it…

Gabi, it was so good to have this convo with you. It is great to see that you have arrived. You radiate, happy with life, and you live it full throttle. Your journey is a real success story revealing everything Attagirl! represents. Facing ourselves, identifying what nurtures us and what we need to get rid of to give ourselves a chance to have the life that makes us truly, genuinely happy. Thank you for sharing your journey. I wish you many-many happy years for everything you have fought for and you have established for yourself.
You’re very welcome, Kamka, I thank you for the chance to share my experience. The way I have succeeded, anyone can. The point is to be honest with ourselves, loyal and kind. Through abandoning any path that is not actually ours and waiting for our own path to arrive under our feet. Sometimes it is freaky and risky but if we don’t get scared and keep going, we will arrive home. And there is no better feeling than arriving home.

Gabi has no links to share so if you would like to find out more about her and her life, please feel free to contact me.